Where I'm at

One year has come and gone since the closure of Downers Grove Vineyard. It feels like it has flown by; it feels like it has plodded along.

I thought I would have more things figured out by this point, but I feel like I don’t know much more than I did a year ago. And even though this season feels like winter, I believe that growth has been happening. It makes me wonder if during the times when it seems as though nothing at all were happening, a whole lot is happening. By faith, I believe that there is a pruning process at work in me. Jesus says he prunes to make someone more fruitful. I’m trying to embrace it, not run from it. I’m still trusting that he has plans that I cannot see.

When the church closed I wanted to get out of Downers Grove as soon as I could. I didn’t want to grieve. I didn’t want the humbling experience of explaining to people what happened. I wanted to get on with the next thing so I could avoid dealing with the last thing. Ah, but God is good. He knows how to speed us up when we’re dragging our feet; He knows how to slow us down when we’re getting ahead of ourselves. What I needed over this past year was to stay put and see God, myself, and this place in a new way.

And staying put for a year has been good for us. The void left from the church (and my pastoring of it) has been filled mostly with family time. I enjoyed being a pastor greatly, but it can be exhausting emotionally. It is hard to keep feelings of inadequacy at bay, and also hard to avoid feeling the massive weight of responsibility of the task. I found it difficult to unplug from it all, which made being “present” with loved ones hard. Ministry shouldn’t strain a family; it should strengthen it. If and when future ministry calls my name again I’ll need to do better at trusting God with it all, and work at looking to the Father for my self-evaluation.

By far the thing I miss the most about the church is the community. Sure I miss preaching, teaching, seeing people grow in their relationship with God, but the family of God—that’s where it’s at. Nothing can take its place. Family devotions can’t. Deep Christian friendships can’t. The body of Christ is unlike anything else. It’s the soil from which life in God forms and thrives. It’s the glue that holds all the scattered parts of our lives together. Without a local community of believers we’re lost. Lost. It’s been hard to find anything that compares to the depth of Christian community I experienced with DGV.

So here I am. One year later. Ready for a fresh start. Ready to let go of the past and look to the future. Ready to apply lessons learned. Ready to be re-commissioned by God. Ready for change.